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she can't even care enough to fuck.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
she can't even care enough to fuck.

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[10 May 2009|01:30am]
[ mood | distressed ]

i just remembered livejournal & how i used to be obsessed with updating it. it was interesting reading all my old entries. life was so dramatic. not so much anymore though. everything has been pretty dull. school and work. same shit, different day. however, i did have my last final of spring semester on thursday so i'm done until fall. happy about that. just downloaded a bunch of new music that i have been putting off forever and now that i am listening to it, i can't believe i waited that long to hear it. i've been super sick for almost a week now, maybe swine flu? i hope i don't sprout a snout anytime soon. ha i'm funny. i'm in a weird mood today. i'm watching the o.c. right now. the only thing that is making me feel a little better, but yet, in a way, more depressed because it brings back memories. work has been lame lately, my paycheck was not too fascinating yesterday. but it will be okay. i can't wait to move out of this apartment and not be broke all the time. october, please come sooner. natalie is in the dominican republic right now and i'm super jealous. she is going to be so tan when she gets back. and can legally drink there. what a bitch. lou should be home soon, maybe i'll right again, sometime in the near future.


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in love again <3 [02 Aug 2007|11:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i've decided i'm going to use this again. i really need to vent about everything in my life. as the summer is coming to an end, i have realized that this upcoming year is going to be so much different. not only because i'll be in college, but just because alot of my good friends are moving away & the friends that i do have here are pretty much turning really shitty. i'm really glad that i'll always have lou to count on. he will always be my best friend. seriously, if i did not have him in my life i would be insane. he listens to me bitch about everything & likes it. he loves that i'm an opinionated person & i do not let people walk all over me at all. however, i just really loved hanging out with my friends so much this summer because it was nice to have no drama with guys. but, alot of my friends need guys to be happy which is really pathetic.

i had a talk tonight with nev about this newly renovated ben friendship. i have had so much anger & sadness in me about her for the past few weeks & i finally decided to talk to her about it. its her life & she is going to do what she wants with it, she has made that very clear. i just do not understand why my opinion, seeing as how i'm supposed to be her best friend, & everyone in her family & co-workers do not matter. all of these people who never hurt her really care about her but she chooses ben. no matter what. & i will never understand how her mind works. i will never like ben & i hope i have made this clear. i just truly feel he is a horrible person. he got her into drugs that really fucked up her life & still continue to, he ruined her social life throughout highschool, & he controlled her entire life which is disgusting. i understand she is still in love with him, but that does not mean anything. of course she will love him still, for god knows why. he treated her horribly & he will never change. love does not mean you need to be with someone who is going to hurt you & is not going anywhere with his life. he does not have a real job, isn't going to school & still lives at home & is not making an effort to leave. what is there to love?

i have really been trying to distance myself from her but i cannot express how sad i am. i really love nev & i truly thought she was my best friend but if she was, she wouldn't want to hurt me that much. the fact is, if they do date again, its going to be the same exact thing & she will not hang out with me anymore, again, & will not live her life as she wants to. girls are seriously ridiculous these days. i am so glad i do not let lou control me. i do what i want & when i want. yes, he does have jealousy issues & gets upset when i don't hang out with him but he gets over it. life is too short to let some guy control me. i know i'm right about all of this & just do not understand how hard it is for nev to not live life how she wants. who honestly cares if someone is mad at you? people get over it. & if they don't, they have serious fucking mental issues.

i just feel like i can't trust anyone. its not just nev, just all my other friends keep things from me. its just hard for me to not want to confide in my best friends & even they keep things from me. it just really hurts. i am such a good friend. i know this. but i will just never be good enough to make my friends happy enough to not care about their boyfriends and to trust me.

its just a big reality check that i am getting older & i need to let go of my friends. its going to be hard because i would have loved to keep a few close friends my whole life. alot of adults do, but i guess it just was not meant for me. i will find new friends through college & work that really appreciate that i am a loyal and trustworthy person.

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bitch. [24 Sep 2006|10:32pm]
i can't take the drama anymore.

i'm going to beat your ass, you know who you are.
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wack. [29 Aug 2006|11:24am]
[ mood | groggy ]

school started.
its pretty good actually.
i was dreading marketing ed
but its a pretty decent class.
its actually interesting learning
about business & such.
i'm not looking forward to competitions though :[
& sr. comp is okay, we write a paper a week,
which seems like alot.
i'm usually good with writing papers so i hope
i succeed ;]

louie & i bought hamsters. i'm in love.
we bought a boy, kanye, & a girl, baby love <3
they are only a month or so old so we didn't think
we would have to worry about hamster babies just yet,
so we bought a big cage for the both of them.
the first night we had them, they kept fighting & stuff,
then i went to work the next day, came home & lou told me
they just had mad hamster sex.
awesome, so now baby love is pregnant we think.
we'll have to wait about a week more for her to start showing.
therefore, we had to buy seperate cages & my room is too small
for two cages, so louie took baby love :[ i miss her.
they're real cute.

louie & i are about to go apartment shopping!
we have a few appointments set up for today, &
we'll probably look at more tomorrow.
he is going to move out either october or november,
before winter for sure.
& then i'll be moving in, after i graduate :]
i'm so excited, its like my life is actaully beginning.
no more feeling like a little girl, i'll have alot of
responsibility, helping pay bills & such.
i can't wait to play housewife haha.


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meh. [20 Aug 2006|02:33pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

summer? where did you go.
school starts tomorrow, i'm a senior.
that's ridiculous, this is my last year of
highschool, ever. i can't believe it.
louie starts college tomorrow as well :]
he is really nervous but i'm excited for him!
this summer went by too quickly.

hopefully this year goes by as quickly as
the summer did.
its going to be weird leaving after 3rd.
i'm happy about it though, even if the
class is probably going to be a complete joke.
apparently we go to competitions like every weekend,
how lame is that?
at least i will still get to be with friends though :\
but honestly, what are we competing for?
its a class you take to learn about business or something.
i just took it so i could leave school early to work,
but it turns out you can't have two part time jobs while
in this class, which was the entire reason i took the class.
i wish i would have known these things?
instead of getting a letter in the mail with the rules
two days before school starts. awesome. i basically love AW.

i'm just looking forward to after senior year,
either way i'm moving, whether its with louie or w/ my mom.
she already told me a few days ago she wants to move soon,
so maybe this year? that would be kind of annoying even though
i need to get out of this town, but i'm up for whatever it takes
to get me away from here & these fake people.
louie & i are going to look @ apartments this week, yes :]

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how did i get so lost inside of you? [14 Aug 2006|08:00am]
[ mood | awake ]

cedar point yesterday!
it was amazing.
we shared stories, they were interesting,
haha i love us.
i went w/ nev, ben, brad & ashley.
i've missed these people.
i'm glad nev & i are close again.
its like we never stopped hanging out,
i love it.
ben could tell nev was happy & maybe
he will stop being a psycho & let her
hang out with me?
that'd be nice.
i was kind of a bad girl though, whoops.

my mom is retarded & making me go to registration
at 9am, pretty sure i'm a little tired from last night,
but no big deal i guess.

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let you fall for every empty word i say. [05 Aug 2006|12:15am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

so i'm finally feeling a little better.
i'm sick of feeling shitty everyday of my life.
i don't remember what it feels like to be normal, thats sad.
i swear to god i'm allergic to this medicine or something.
why else would i still feel like shit?

ugh work is so tiring when i'm already tired out :[
i'm going to apply places this week i think.
i want another job since i'm getting out of school around 10am.
but i love marco's & i won't quit there.
i don't care if everyone thinks that place is shitty.
you don't understand the family :]
i'm thinking of applying at kroger & churchill's, somewhere easy.
i don't need anything too difficult at 10am.
& ashley is applying at churchill's too so that will be nice if we both get hired :]
i had a good day today, overall, i did alot.
my clothes came in the mail today, yay :]

i miss louie <3
its going to be hard when school starts
& i can't see him whenever i want.
i hate fucking school, its ruining my life.
i hate everyone there, why does everyone i love have to live across the country?
or in michigan.
sometimes i hate life.

ps - my mom is getting surgery sept 14th :[
i must prepare to live here alone, again.

2 comments|post comment

same shit, different day. [17 Jul 2006|03:37am]
[ mood | confused ]

sometimes i hate life. its depressing to think summer is basically over. i'm not ready for the cliche people at anthony wayne. i hate it there, so much. it makes me happy that this is my last year there though! i'll just have to keep thinking about that whenever i want to shoot myself while i'm there, like i always do. i need to get out of ohio after highschool is over. louie & i talked about moving to florida. who knows if it will actually happen. i think he really wants to but i'm not sure about it. i have security issues. i like to stay where i know its safe, like my house :] & i feel bad leaving my mom, she is all alone, how sad is that? i would feel horrible leaving her. i need to seriously think about it more. it would be nice to be close to jordin again. nev & ben are even moving down there after nev graduates this year. it will be just like old times :]

things can easily change though. my relationship with louie seems to change everyday. i love him to death but i'm unsure of how long we can stay together. we are such different people. i want to seriously consider if we can be together in the future. i need to start planning my life & i need to decide if its going to have him in it. he really fucking pisses me off, alot & i doubt his love for me alot. but the good times make me forget about the bad :] if i lost him, i wouldn't only lose a 2 year relationship, i would be losing a best friend.

i miss megan. i was reading her livejournal & i decided to finally update because i know exactly how she feels about her & kyle. i was reading all the entries of hers that i have missed & its creepy how alike louie & kyle are. i love you meg, i'm always here. i understand more than you could ever know :]

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