i've decided i'm going to use this again. i really need to vent about everything in my life. as the summer is coming to an end, i have realized that this upcoming year is going to be so much different. not only because i'll be in college, but just because alot of my good friends are moving away & the friends that i do have here are pretty much turning really shitty. i'm really glad that i'll always have lou to count on. he will always be my best friend. seriously, if i did not have him in my life i would be insane. he listens to me bitch about everything & likes it. he loves that i'm an opinionated person & i do not let people walk all over me at all. however, i just really loved hanging out with my friends so much this summer because it was nice to have no drama with guys. but, alot of my friends need guys to be happy which is really pathetic.
i had a talk tonight with nev about this newly renovated ben friendship. i have had so much anger & sadness in me about her for the past few weeks & i finally decided to talk to her about it. its her life & she is going to do what she wants with it, she has made that very clear. i just do not understand why my opinion, seeing as how i'm supposed to be her best friend, & everyone in her family & co-workers do not matter. all of these people who never hurt her really care about her but she chooses ben. no matter what. & i will never understand how her mind works. i will never like ben & i hope i have made this clear. i just truly feel he is a horrible person. he got her into drugs that really fucked up her life & still continue to, he ruined her social life throughout highschool, & he controlled her entire life which is disgusting. i understand she is still in love with him, but that does not mean anything. of course she will love him still, for god knows why. he treated her horribly & he will never change. love does not mean you need to be with someone who is going to hurt you & is not going anywhere with his life. he does not have a real job, isn't going to school & still lives at home & is not making an effort to leave. what is there to love?
i have really been trying to distance myself from her but i cannot express how sad i am. i really love nev & i truly thought she was my best friend but if she was, she wouldn't want to hurt me that much. the fact is, if they do date again, its going to be the same exact thing & she will not hang out with me anymore, again, & will not live her life as she wants to. girls are seriously ridiculous these days. i am so glad i do not let lou control me. i do what i want & when i want. yes, he does have jealousy issues & gets upset when i don't hang out with him but he gets over it. life is too short to let some guy control me. i know i'm right about all of this & just do not understand how hard it is for nev to not live life how she wants. who honestly cares if someone is mad at you? people get over it. & if they don't, they have serious fucking mental issues.
i just feel like i can't trust anyone. its not just nev, just all my other friends keep things from me. its just hard for me to not want to confide in my best friends & even they keep things from me. it just really hurts. i am such a good friend. i know this. but i will just never be good enough to make my friends happy enough to not care about their boyfriends and to trust me.
its just a big reality check that i am getting older & i need to let go of my friends. its going to be hard because i would have loved to keep a few close friends my whole life. alot of adults do, but i guess it just was not meant for me. i will find new friends through college & work that really appreciate that i am a loyal and trustworthy person.